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Sunday, November 23rd, 2008

(scream in terror)

Subject:It's a little bit funny.... But not in the good way
Time:12:37 am.
It's so strange how fast life can change, one second your sleeping peacefully next to your not yet 2 month old infant, the next your mother is calling and telling you that your brother commited suicide...

It's so strange how life can go from blissful to depressing with the simple tearful uttering on those few simple words "I don't know how to tell you this...". That was the day that would change my life forever. May 13th 2008 will live forever in my mind as the worst day of my entire life, and no not in the dramatic teenage sense of the word, but in the full on heavy adult, your best friend and brother has left this world kind of way. It's been 6 months.... fuck it... i can't even write this......

Monday, December 24th, 2007

(1 scream | scream in terror)

Subject:haha, it's been so very long
Time:6:49 pm.
Mood: content.

Hello friends. It's been a very very long time since i've updated this and alot has happened in that time.

I was right, rett and i had gotten together and for good this time. We are currently married. The date was April 14th. It was a wonderful wedding : ) 

We moved to OKC and lived there up until November. When Rett left for Air Force, Basic Training. I'm currently back in Sterling staying with my mother until he gets done. (which is on the 3rd of January.) I'm so excited to see him

I'm also about 6 months pregnant with a little girl. Her name is Lauralie and i couldn't be happier!! 

I thought  i would update in the very off chance that someone might read it and also to say. I have never been so happy in my entire life. I finally have what i'd been missing all those years. My own family. For the first time in my life i feel complete. It's such a wonderful feeling. I am so wonderfully blessed and just so... happy. I love my life and can't wait to see where it leads me : )


Wednesday, August 30th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:whoa
Time:6:30 pm.
ok so rett and i back together. For good this time. He moves to OK a week anda  day ago and i'm moving in about 3 weeks. He said he's gunna have an engagment ring ready for me when i get there..... so i'm getting married!!

Sunday, July 30th, 2006

(1 scream | scream in terror)

Subject:drama.... drama drama and more drama
Time:4:50 pm.
rett and i got back together, but broke up again. on my b-day. I got drunk a couple days ago and made out with an emo boy at the 420 house. After the kid fell asleep i went over and tearfully confessed to rett what i had done. He freaked but gave me a kiss on the cheek before i left. I don't know what's going on with us. Yesturday he came over around 5 and i dropped him off at his house (lives w/cody cedric and pheobie and is ruining his life) but while he was over we fell asleep together and cuddled and kissed and did all that stuff then he started freaking about the emo kid (matt) and like got all sad and told me to take him home before he left he told me to come over today. So i did, and i took him out to lunch, then left.... I'm depressed... I fucking hating all this drama bullshit, so i'm going to kansas on Tuesday. I dunno how long i'll be there for, but i'm thinking two weeks.... blah.. Yesturday was my last day at work thank God, but now i have noithing to occupy my time... i feel dead... yep.... dead

Thursday, June 22nd, 2006

(2 screams | scream in terror)

Subject:long time no update
Time:12:47 am.
so i'm tecnically single but i'm getting married... i dunno when... but it's already decided.... he tried to call my dad.... dad didn't answer... he almost purposed to me last night, then didn't.... cause he was gunna use one of those plastic things on milk jugs as a ring.... but that wouldn't work... i don't know what the hell i'm doing for school... i may just end up going to god ol' NJC for two years... hopefully i'll be married by then and not worried about where rett's gunna live cause he wouldn't be able to live with me now. Rett, Brady and Joey all got kicked out. Joey went  back to Brush. Brady's with jamie and rett's been staying here... So i get to fall asleep with him everynight... which is awesome.... we stay up holding each other talking about what it will be like when we're married, and how we both want it so bad... and sometimes we even talk about kids. i'm working at quiznos now.... it sucks... i wanna quit.... really bad.... but i think that's really all for now....

Thursday, May 18th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:haha
Time:8:14 pm.
So here i am... The eve of my very last day of highschool... I remmeber updating this thing the eve of my very first day of highschool... i was so scared to be in that big school, with all those big kids... being a freshman... i was so terrified.... i remmeber i didn't even go to sleep till 5 that morning... i stayed up watching Cats and Dogs Man i was so scared and here i am about to say good bye to all of it... And what i feel is sort of shocking..... i feel.... indifferent.... it's like... not hitting me... i'm not really excited... and like... it seems like i just don't care really.... it's kind of hard to describe.... nothings been really setting in lately.... but oh well... Here's to the end!å

Monday, May 15th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Time:9:37 pm.
so i've come to the conclusion that.... i have been wrong all along...

Sunday, May 14th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:holy shit
Time:9:20 pm.
Mood:helpless.
sometimes i need to just remember that i'm not as great as people make me feel... that i'm not the center of someone's universe and that no matter how they make me feel... i'm not the only thing in the world to them... sometimes i feel so fucking vain.... Why do i get upset over things that i have no control over and why do i get so upset when things aren't the way i think they are..... fuck... i hate this..... i'm stuck in a place that i can't escape from.... i can't get out of this.... I hate that i can't stop this

just marry me already so we can end all this


(scream in terror)

Subject:ok ok ok
Time:5:55 pm.
so i've worked things out with brinny for the most part, which makes me happy, and joey and i have kinda been talking, not like how we used to but yeah.... it's better then nothing... Tomorrow is my last monday of highschool, gotta admitt i'm pretty fucking excited about that... Not a whole lot has happened. Just kinda having a bad day... My fav. Kitten is dying.... my dad can't come to my graduation cause he has surgery the day before.... Other then that... life's pretty ok... i'm freaking out about school even though i have no real reason to be... but oh well.... i guess that's really all for now...

Tuesday, May 9th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:RRRRRAAHHH CHILDREN!
Time:11:14 pm.
How is it that i seem to be the root of all fucking evil to some people when i have done NOTHING! Apparently i've like ruined joey's life or somthing even though i was the one who hooked him up with the "love of his life" or what ever... FUCK i'm so sick of people who are OLDER then me acting like little fucking kids... I haven't even graduated and i'm SICK of highschoolers!! FUCK i don't even know what i did.... I guess since i'm not dedicating my life to making sure her little boy toy is happy, then i'm the fucking enemy... well i'm sorry i'm not guna drop eveything in my life for an asshole who cares about no one but himself and her

(scream in terror)

Subject:*sigh*
Time:9:17 pm.
I miss matt... like alot lately... i dunno why it's like so much right now... but i really do...

I'm starting to get that depressed for no reason feeling again....

Somtimes i hate life

Saturday, May 6th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:loooong time no post
Time:2:23 am.
not a whole lot has happened since i last updated.... ok so that's a lie, and i really don't remmeber the last time i posted so if it's repeatative... i'm sorry... Let's see.... first off, i went to France... the whole time i was missing rett alot so i didn't enjoy as much as i thought i had, but looking back, i really miss it now.... the people were so nice.... they are nothing like americans make them seem... they don't hate us, and they don't smell bad.... and they do shave.... Let's see... next big thing is that rett and i once again broke up... but you know... we still act the same so it's not all that bad... We still kiss... and hug... and other... things... Blah... what else.... i graduate in about 3 weeks. I only have about 2 weeks left.... fuck yes! i'm so ready to get out of that hell hole that has controled my life for the past four years

I miss matt.... I want him to come see me soon.... *hint hint*

So three of my "best friends" like hate me now.... Sarah joey and brinny are all made at me for reasons unknown to me... apparently sarah's mad at me cause of the drama i cause joey, but ummm.... i hardly talk to him... and he's the one who's the constant dick to me... but if sarah wants to talk shit about me behind my back for somthing i didn't even do.... then fuck her... she's not who i thought she was then..... and i dunno why brinny's mad at me... rett called it the "joey syndrome".... the symptoms are being an ass for no apparent reason.... i'm so fucking sick of people who are fucking graduated acting like they are still in high school... I'm sick of the fucking drama people keep causing, then complaing that other people are causeing drama..... FUCK

Wednesday, April 5th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:AHHHHHHH FRANCE!!
Time:9:59 pm.
I leave tomorrow for france till the 16th and i must say i'm freaking out!! As it draws closer and closer to 6 i feel my self getting more fearful as the hours tick by.... AHHHHHH

Friday, March 31st, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:AHHHHH
Time:12:16 pm.
Why is it that most of my highschool career was full of nothing but drugs and hanging out and the occasional homework.... and that was all i worried about.. now i'm faced with all kinds of stressful things... shall we list them?...we shall

1. I'm going to France in about oh...5 days... terrorfied? yes
2. My passport has yet to arive
3. I'm going to graduate in about 2 months....
4. I'm not sure if i'm moving to Denver now
5. Rett wants me to move with him to Oklahoma
6. I need a job real bad
7. I'm paranoid about EVERYTHING
8. I now dred parties because of the St. Patrick's Day incident.

I'm about as stressed as i can possably stand. I'm starting to get panic attacks really bad again, but i try to tel myself that some of this stuff is inevitable so i should stop worrying and just let it come, but i can't freakin help it... And then the other stuff.... ARG! My only confort is seems, is my darling skittle monster (aka Rett) and like.... to be brutally honest, he sorta causes some of the stress... i'm so scared that somthing's going to happen, and he's gunna leave me again, or he's gunna get drunk and end up in a back room with someone.... I can't handle that shit.. I would have killed carly had tom and kerrie not stopped me... I hate being so paranoid, and it's not that i don't trust him, it's just that... i dunno... i don't like how everyone and their fucking mom is like in love with him.... blah.... so yeah.... pretty stressed at the current moment.... I'm just gunna try to calm down.... After all... he keeps telling me that he loves me.... He may like other girls but he loves me... RAH.... why does it have to be damn hard?

Friday, March 24th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:And i am flawed, but i am cleaning up so well
Time:8:15 pm.
I've been reading past journal entries, as i tend to do when i'm bored and have nothing better to do. It's fun to look back and see how much i've changed. lol i've made 1,151 entries... That's kind of a bunch.... blah, i lost the inspiration to finish this entry

(scream in terror)

Subject:blah
Time:2:34 pm.
Mood: sick.
being sick sucks. and that's what i am currently. Oh well, i think i'm past the worste of it. I hope so. Not alot has been going on lately, just been hanging out. I decided somthing. Since i created this journal a month before my 15th b-day, the summer before my first years in highschool, i'm gunna create a new one a month before my 19th b-day the summer before my first year in college.... that way my new one will be all... college stuff. I'll still keep this one active, but yeah... won't that be fun..... yay...

I talked to my mom about moving out once i have a job. I already talked to lindsay about the possability of me living with her until i can find my own place. She said it'd be cool if i just lived with her till the summer when we move to Denver. So yeah... i just need a job....I think i'm gunna go cook some chicken noodle soup and lay down

Sunday, March 19th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:long time no post
Time:7:24 pm.
alot has happened since then i suppose. I'll start off with first and formost RETT AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER!! that's right bitchs... he is MINE and i am prepaired to fuck up anyone who may fuck with him at all... ask pretty much sober enough to remmeber friday.... i would have killed carly had kerrie and tom stopped me.... yeah... not gunna get into it but....let's just say... wooden doors don't feel good on bleeding fists. Then saturday rett jon brady and i went to denver and walked about the 16th st mall, then went to gallery xzanthia and then went to a strip club. I wasn't too impressed with the strip club.... rett and i just sat at the bar and thought about how many of the strippers has kids and how many had STD's and stuff like that, lol... Then we went back to tom's and passed out. yeah... Let's see, what else has happened since i last updated... oh rett and joey got kicked out so they are staying at tom's.... i'm applying at sykes and as soon as i have a job i'm moving out... i've pretty much decided this... I'm gunna see if lindsay will let me crash with her until i can find my own place or what ever.. i don't know what else to say other then... snooch to the nooch hahaha

Thursday, March 2nd, 2006

(1 scream | scream in terror)

Subject:ok so..
Time:12:29 am.
As if i weren't the most pathetic person in the world before, i have even more reason as to why i KNOW i am now... Rett comes back tomorrow... or today rather... well.. a couple nights ago i tried to calculate how many hours till he came home.... yeah... pretty pathetic as is but wait, there is more.... yeah, i actually put a count down on my phone so yeah.... Sometimes i shock myself with how pathetic/crazy i am... i think i have pretty much crossed the line from innocent obsession and creepy stalker.... yeah... i know... pretty sick...

Any way, yeah as i mentioned earlier rett is FINALLY coming home after almost a fucking month... Can't wait to see him it just sucks cause like he suppose to get home around 5... yeah i fucking work at 5, granted it will only be for like an hour but still... just knowing.. he's so close but i can't see him will pretty much drive me insane.... But yeah, good news! He's moving in with joey like hella soon, so i will be able to see him ALOT! Like everyday!

I've been having panic attacks again... i haven't really had any for a long time but they are starting again... And i'm really starting to freak out about next year. My mom informed me that i have about $20,000 saved up for college which will pretty much cover all costs of school, but i still have to deal with living expenses and shit so, i really need a better job to save up... Theo said he'd get me an app. for sykes and would be able to tell me when to turn it in so i have a better chance at getting hired so there's a plus... I'll have to tell my mom that... she will be pleased.... AHHH Why is life so fucking crazy now? I can't wait till i can just like... chill and not have to be all stressed all the time..... Blah, at least rett will be back tomorrow... he's my stress releif.... and my muse... so i'll be able to draw again soon.... yay! i'm gunna go to sleep now... every second that passes is another second closer to seeing my baby again.... haha.... yep... pathetic

Tuesday, February 28th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:so it looks like it's gunna be one of those weeks
Time:3:59 pm.
yep, feel like crying... am about to start... don't know why... I wish i didn't feel this way... I hate how alone i feel...

Is it wrong i'm almost scared for him to come back because i'm scared i'll be put up on a shelf until after he's had all this fun with everyone and their fucking mom, cause everyone is going to want to see him and hang out with him and all that shit.... I'm just scared i'm gunna get ignored.... And that's the very last thing i need right now... Fuck i just want to hold him.... so badly.... i can hardly stand it... my head hurts and i'm fucking tired.... It's only 4..... i want to fall asleep forever

Monday, February 27th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:another one of those days
Time:11:50 pm.
I've been having a tres depressing day.... i keep crying... Like right now... yeah crying.... I think Rett being away for so long has really taken its toll on me...Like i've been feeling sick and like i think i'm just stressed to the max so my body is starting to be affected... And not to mention my lack of sleep.. And the fact that for like the past month i couldn't cry at all, and now today i can't seem to stop.... Fuck... i miss him so much... every night before i go to sleep i imagine he's there with me.... i just miss him so much...

Tuesday, February 21st, 2006

(scream in terror)

Time:1:08 am.
went to Ft. Morgan today, yay. It was fun... we got there, got what we had to get and were just kinda like "what now. that so did no take as long as we thought..." it was fun, then we came home.... yep... exciting.... i don't really see the point of this update right here so yeah.... great fun

Monday, February 20th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Time:5:51 am.
somtimes it seems the only remedy for how i'm feeling right now is a straight bullet to the head..... *sigh* alass i haven't a gun... and i'm not feeling down enough to actually do anuthing with it if i had one.... i dunno what's wrong with me.... i miss rett.... that hooker face.... he needs to come back i can draw on his almost totally bald head.....

Saturday, February 18th, 2006

(1 scream | scream in terror)

Time:2:37 am.
ok, so maybe our grand adveture didn't go how i planned it... or happen at all... my mom came in this morning to tell me that i couldn't go to Ft. morgan because the weather. It's freezing balls just so you all know... And snowy and icey (although the roads aren't so bad)I'm actually dreding going home because my car will be sooo fucking cold and it takes forever for my heater to kick in... my fingertips actually hurt from being in the cold earlier today.... yeah... earlier it was about 30+ below freezing... It's fucking cold out....i actually have 3 shirts on currently, not including my hoodie....*shivers* fuck... it's cold..... party tomorrow... i'm kinda excited...parties aren't as fun without rett here though.... fuck head needs to come back. brinny and i decided that if he's like bald we're gunna draw a pic on his head everyday till it gets to long for us to. lol.... i miss him so much... I'm pretty much the most pathetic person ever... in tec the other day i went through and counted how many times rett is refured to in my planner.... AT LEAST 116 times.... yeah...pathetic... i know... But i think i'm gunna be heading back to my house soon... i feel i'm gunna like... start a movie and then crash.... yay

Friday, February 17th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:...And thus the four day weekend was upon her
Time:2:34 am.
Although it was hardly the first couple hours into her four day weekend, Haley could tell it would be an advanture. Tomorrow she along with Death, Famine and Hades would set off into the brisk afternoon air on a quest for a trinket for her dearly beloved. They would have to tavel down the cold icy road for uncoutless hours, into the den of the might Wal-dragon and fight their way to where their tresure lie. And this was only the first day. Haley was uncertain as to what the following days would bring... but she excitment filler her soul. She knew that the faster the days went by, the closer her love would be... So with the dawn appraoching, she set off to bed, for she knew, this was the only night's rest should would acheive this weekend.

ok... a little dramatic i know, but it's fun... Yeah Joey tom and i are going to Ft. morgan tomorrow to get something at the wal-mart there... hopefully... Yeah it'll be fun.. a nice little road trip....

I'm pretty upset about somthing though. Rett won't be back till the middle of next week (oh acursed fate, why dost thow hate me so!)He also cut all his hair off.... My (yes... i still consider him mine, wheather or not he does) poor emo boy won't look emo any more.... Oh well.. with or with out hair, i'm sure he's still hott... I don't have to go to school tomorrow, and then we don't have school monday, so yeah... 4 day weekend for haley... we're hoping to have a party on Sat. I hope so... i like parties.... and alcohol...mmm... speacking of which, my brother got a DUI last night... so that kinda sucks a bunch.... but yeah... that's about all that's been going on... felt really emo today.... cried a bit.... then smoked a cigg and watched tom beat Manhunt... it was pretty cool.... Piggsy... mwahahhahaha.... creepy bastard... It was cool. Joedon's little sis Shelby came and hung out with us... I kicked her ass numerous times at Super Smash Bros... And like when we were watching tom play, we were screaming together... it was pretty cool lol.... she so does not seem 11 (12 in seven days) haha... she's way more mature then wyatt, but then again.. girls are always more mature then guys.... especially at that age.... I guess that's really all... i'm gunna go sleep now, cause i is tired and i is driving tomorrow... and working.... so yay money

Wednesday, February 15th, 2006

(1 scream | scream in terror)

Subject:blah.... overcome by sorrow
Time:1:13 am.
Mood: sad.
Sin from my lip? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again!

and all these woes shall serve for sweet discourses in our time to come

O Happy dagger! This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me die!

So it's Valentine's Day... We watch Roemo and Juliet.... not the brightest idea i've ever had but yeah... had to watch it.....

Today was a pretty good day. I got an unexpected yet much apprciated phone call today. Yep... my Valentine wish came true haha... rett called me. We talked for at least an hour, which was awesome. I miss him... alot.... and like before i was all frustrated about him and stuff, but today... it was just.... sadness.... I really do miss him....I can't wait for him to come home...i can't wait to hang out and things to go back to how they were like.. the 4 or us and stuff.... and i have wonderful news! I have the HOTTEST date to prom this year! Yep... Rett said he'd go if joey goes and Brinny asked joey to go with her so... yeah.... I just have to have like the prettiest dress.... ever.... it'll be hard to out-do myself from last year... but i think i can manage.... I hope anyway... lol.. what else... i dunno... i just feel.... sad right now...

Tuesday, February 14th, 2006

(1 scream | scream in terror)

Subject:It's been another one of those days...
Time:12:14 am.
I hate days like this... where i sit in utter confusion as to how i feel or what i should do. tomorrow is going to suck... like... alot... Fucking Valentine's Day... i fucking hate it... why, you may be wondering to yourself, would one such love struck as haley laoth and despise the day dedicated to this feeling? Because i'm fucking alone, and i'm going to be alone.... As i always am any more. I mean, don't get me wrong, i fucking love brinny and joey and as happy as fuck for them, but it gets kinda old sometimes... like... Sometimes i feel like i'm alone even though they are right next to me, just cause it seems like i'm not even there to them... and don't even get me started on tom... he pisses me off so much just because of how he acts towards me... he is always giving me shit about everything and even if he's only joking it gets fucking old fast. and like the only time we can have an actual conversation is when we are drunk... AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RETT COME BACK!!! I'M SO PISSY WITHOUT YOU HERE!!!! And not to mention my insane sexual frustration, i don't know what the fuck it is, but i've been sooooo horny lately, and it fucking sucks, and i need a fucking cig and i don't have any.... i'm about to go smoke a ciggar that's been in my freezer for ever.... blah! I pretty much died a little inside...scratch that.... i died inside... period.... haha.... fuck me running i'm being a little stike out happy....

Sunday, February 12th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Time:9:21 pm.
I got Rett's valentine's presant done today. It turned out alot better then i expected so i am pleased... I feel weird... i don't feel like i'm in my mind right now.... lol... as odd as that sounds... maybe it's just because i'm still feeling the effects of last night... got hammered....yeah..... dunno what else to say

Wednesday, February 8th, 2006

(2 screams | scream in terror)

Time:6:20 pm.
i'm sitting here in tec, and the computer is acting weird, i've been reading through old entries cause i have nothing better to do... yeah... reading back to when i was a freshmen.... so long ago haha... i have changed SOOOO much.... i've done alot of thinking aboutt he past today. I think because like for the rest of the school it's pre-registration but for us seniors, we just got a little booklet about graduation... So i've been thinking alot about my years in highschool.... I feel alittle weird about it all... just cause like.... i've been through so much these past years and like.... met so many people and just... expeiranced do much.... IT's weird to think about, i know that at graduation it'll be even worse but i look forward to getting the fuck out of here.....

(scream in terror)

Subject:I cought a glimps of you in a reflection of myself
Time:12:16 am.
ok so today started off really bad. I've been having trouble sleeping and so i was like tired when i woke up... to make matters worse i've been feeling... off lately so i go to school and am like sweating in the cold and like almost falling over cause i'm dizzy. And i've been all down and depressed since rett left... i fucking miss him, any way... so yeah, after school joey and i go over to Brinny's and watch Meet Joe Black... not the best movie to be watching when you're all emo and love-sick, lol. so yeah. after the movie joey and i go search my house for money cause i needed a cigg hella bad... So we're driving, haley's being all emo and sad... Then i find enough money for a pack so yay! haley ok... still sad and emo and feeling all down, then while we were driving around smoking and listening to music, my phone rings... I don't recognize the number at all but i answer any way... Good thing i did. It was Rett, YAY! I was so happy to talk to him. Really made my day, and like i'd been all worried about how he and i were doing cause of what happened the night before he left, so that showed me we're good, lol... I is happy. Hopefully i'll be able to sleep tonight. So yeah.... today turned out to be pretty good. We just miss the fuck out of rett.... HURRY BACK HOOKER FACE!!

I have a new song i'm pretty well obsessed with at the current moment, I'll post the lyrics here after my update it done.


Warmness On the Soul By Avenged Sevenfold
Your hazel green tint eyes watching,
Every move I make.
And the feeling of doubt,
It's erased.
I'll never feel alone again,
With you by my side.
You're the one,
And in you I confide

And we have gone through good and bad times.
But your unconditional love,
Was always on my mind.
You've been there from the start for me.
And your love has always been,
True as can be.

I'll give my heart to you.
I give my heart,
'Cause nothing can compare in this world to you, whoa, oh.

And we have gone through good and bad times.
But your unconditional love,
Was always on my mind.
You've been there from the start for me.
And your love has always been,
True as can be.

I'll give my heart to you.
I give my heart,
'Cause nothing can compare in this world to you, whoa, oh.


I'll give my heart to you.
I give my heart,
'Cause nothing can compare in this world to you, whoa, oh.

Monday, February 6th, 2006

(1 scream | scream in terror)

Subject:what do i say?
Time:9:21 pm.
Mood: frustrated.
What do i say at this moment in time. I've been doing alot of thinking and i' m so confused about everything. I feel like there should be somthing i can say, or somthing i can do, but there's just nothing. I feel so fucking helpless somtimes. I can hardly fucking stand it.... I don't want all this anger, and confusion.... People keep telling me diffrent things... I just don't know anything anymore... my own feelings confuse me and i hate it!! Why does love have to be so hard? Why do i have to have these feelings and why must i be in so much fear and doubt.... It just doesn't seem fair.... FUCK.... i don't even know what i'm saying now...... rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

Thursday, February 2nd, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:WARNING: frustration takes hold and i can't controle what i write!!
Time:1:19 am.
Mood: emo.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I can hardly stand it. I'm in love with my best friend.... FUCK... why does this shit have to happen to me... why can i just have one of those nice carefree life... or a life where i don't worry about everything!! Why can't i just have a NORMAL life.... why do i have these feelings!! ARG i'm so sick of love! I'm so sick of all this shit... I'M SO SICK OF NOT HAVING HIM ANYMORE!!! I'm so sick of these never ending thoughts of him, and these dreams i keep having... everytime i close my eyes i see his face, not a second goes by where he's not on my fucking mind... I can hardly stand it.. I just want to like... fall asleep and never wake up... go into a fucking coma... WHY AREN'T WE TOGETHER!!! Fuck.. every second i just want to hold him, i just want to kiss him, i just want to be in his arms.... i miss him so much.... why can't it be me again... why can't i be your baby not her.... she cant understand you, she can't see you the way i see you, she can't do any of the things i can and she can't make you happy like i can... She'll never see your true beauty, not like i have... You have made evreyone else fade away.... Why won't you let go of her and come back to me... You know.. YOU KNOW i will make you happier then she can, you don't know her.... and she can never know you.... she can't understand the way your beautiful mind works, she can't see your amazing soul and she can't see what a wonderful human being you are... You can't see what i see because she wasn't blessed with the eyes i have.... she will never be able to see... and there for she will never be able to make you happy... not like i can... not like you know i can... she's so diffrent from what you want... but here i am.... and you know... you know deep down in your heart that i'm what you want, what you need.... just let go of the doubt that drives you to her and away from me... let go of all that my darling... let go... come back into my arms where you belong... you know it's what's right, just like i do... That night... you felt something, we shared somthing... i felt it.... and you know you felt it too.... There's no denying these feelings that are so very obvious to both of us... Please my darling! don't push love away!!! Every thought that crosses my mind is just how much i want you back... I still want to be with you the rest of my life... i still want to be your wife.... as much as i hate that word... i want to be called it.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ok i'm done!!

Wednesday, February 1st, 2006

(2 screams | scream in terror)

Subject:it's been one of those days..... yep... one of THOSE days
Time:12:32 am.
Mood:emo.
I've had about the weirdest fucking past couple of months. Weirder and so full of drama that you could almost reach out and touch it. I really am War, and Agent Chaos fits me rather well i would think. Shit man, sometimes i get so sick of all the fucking bull shit i cause... but i guess that's just who i am really.... ARG i can't wait to get out of this fucking town... Denver seems like Heaven to me right now... And to be really honest... so many times lately i've been thinking about just running away... Not telling anyone, leaving a note for my mom and just... leaving... To like the mountains.... where no one could find me and like just live up there.... *sigh* but i know i would go fucking insane without my horsemen.... I love them all way too much to just up and leave them... But that's what i hate so much, is that when i get into that state of mind... i don't really think about anyone... like when i used to cut and stuff.... I never thought of how people would react until after the damge was done.... I never stop to think of the people it could be hurting.... I think that's my biggest problem... not thinking before i do/say shit... God, sometimes i'm such a disapointment to everyone... i'm not sure why people even tolarate me anymore... all i do is spread sorrow.... fuck man, the more i think about it, the more, i am... War in all essance of the character in the bible minus the big sword..... It feels like all i do is cause pain, and sorrow, and drama, and everything good in my life i fuck up... no wonder people think i like this shit... think i like crying... but how fucking wrong they all are... i hate this... i hate these feelings and i hate all this bull shit i cause. i'm so sick of hurting everyone i fucking care about.... Sometimes i feel like i can't do anything right.... ok enough of this emo shit...

I think i may be dropping the play, i just don't feel like doing it... The cast is way too big and has way too many n00bs lol. Umm... what else is new... i gots a job. working for Crystal Clean. yeah... my mom's cleaning company, but it's still money right. umm... what else..... hmm..... i practacly live at Joedon's and tom's houses. lol. my gamecube is over at Tom's and my N64 is at Joedon's lol.... and i provide food (when i can) like my mom paid me yesturday day, put $20 in my car, the rest went to food... yeah.... it's awesome, we are a family....

Tuesday, January 24th, 2006

(1 scream | scream in terror)

Time:10:00 pm.
With out his passion for war what does Conquest have to conquer....?

(1 scream | scream in terror)

Subject:so this is good bye for awhile
Time:9:11 pm.
I don't think i'm gunna be updating for awhile.... I felt somthing snap today... something inside..... yeah that's all

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

(1 scream | scream in terror)

Subject:i think i'm starting to figure some things out...
Time:10:59 pm.
The way i've been feeling lately and the thoughts i've been having and all this confusion... I think it's part of me really truly breaking.... Like i've become so numb inside i'm actually broken, so much to the point where some of me... just doesn't care anymore.... It's almost a sickening feelings knowing... knowing that i can just give up like this.... But there's a part of me that just wants to fight... Wants to fight for feeling.... I just don't know what to do anymore... I feel so depressed, and not becasue of all the shit going on... ok maybe it has a part in it, but... the fact that i feel like somthing has died inside me.... i feel a part of my soul is gone... "Something had died in all of us, and what was dead was hope" I think Oscar Wild said that... i don't remmeber, i thought it fit

Saturday, January 14th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Time:8:26 pm.
Mood: emo.
It's been awhile since i've really updated this thing.... so i decided i may as well.

I got really drunk last night.... Wrote a bunch... blah so much drama But i have a confession.... I have to get this out... and i hope i can put it in the right words...

my confession
I want him to be happy... But i'm just scared that she won't be able to make him happy... I feel like she can't understand him, not the way i do... I feel the only way to ensure his happiness is to make him happy myself... And i feel that her attraction to him is physical.. where as when i met him, yeah i thought he was hott, but i really wasn't interested in him like that. Until i like talked to him...I wasn't in love with his looks... i was so in love with his mind... his spirit... like i've said before... it was so above the level of physical attraction.... all of us are worried about it though. Sarah and George both think what he's doing is not the best idea..... God i just don't get how he can be over it already... he told me twice after we broke up, how close he was to putting a ring on my freaking finger, and now.... carly.... fuck man, i can hardly fucking stand it!!! I just want to curl up and fucking die everything i fucking think about the two of them... I hope she knows how fucking lucky she is....

(scream in terror)

Subject:i am so drunk right now
Time:2:17 am.
Mood: drunk.
i looked into your eyes and i knew
I would never be complete with out you
You are my world my life my light
You took away all the fear in the night
You were there when i needed you
But you left me here not knowing what to do.
I feel you here but you are no longer mine
What can i do, no hope i can find
I feel so alone and so cold.
To you my heart was sold.
I knew you had to be
The most perfect thing to me
But now you seem to be so far away
oh baby how i wished you had stayed
Remmeber that night in the cold dark park
I remmeber i thoight we'd nevr be apart
I love you so much
I can hardy explain
All this hope is it merely in vein?
Remmeber how we loved so true
Iknow i have to be with you
You are all i ever wanted in life
and now i feel so full of strife.
Here i type not knowing when
You can possabley be mine again

Monday, January 9th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Subject:merry christmas
Time:9:10 pm.
she came back faster then i thought... that cold hollow shell that i was for most of highschool.... But at least this time i can feel the real haley.... inside.... hiding for now.... I feel this shell should have it's own name because i feel ashamed to be called haley because it's held so high by someone so special... So it's decided.... this shell.. this thing talking right now is Barbara. It's weird... before it took so much for Haley to regain her strength but now... i can feel her, she's already strong, not enough to resurface, but strong enough to give me feelings... I think i am the pessimist and haley truly is the optimist... she's giving me hope as well as herself.... this has got to be the weirdest update in this journal...i'm going to sleep now... i have finals tomorrow

Wednesday, January 4th, 2006

(scream in terror)

Time:4:51 pm.
my brother has a broken nose... He tried to get me to pop it.... it's gross haha he doesn't look as bad as i thought he would... I guess fonzie threw him into the wall... and left a nice big brady hole in it. He showed me the scratchs and stuff. it's awesome he like pulled up his shirt to show me... and yeah... he's now fatter then me.... he used to make fun of me but now... hahaha!! He's not freakishly skinny....

I don't know what else to update about......umm... i ♥ rett

Monday, January 2nd, 2006

(2 screams | scream in terror)

Subject:Overwhelming sense of love and completeness
Time:5:11 am.
there's somthing calm and conforting about knowing that i have found the only person i want to be with the rest of my life... knowing that for the first time i can let go of all the fear and all the pain i once had. Knowing that my future is not a shadow of uncertainty, knowing it's not all darkness, because i have a light to help me find the way.... i have a hand to hold as i move down this road called life.... knowing that i will never be alone again... because even if he's not here right next to me, he's still in my heart and i am still in his.... I don't have to hope that he won't ever leave me because i know he won't... i don't have to pray that everything will work out between us because i know it will... We may both be two humans uncapable of perfection, but together, we can make somthing so pure, so perfect that no movie or poem or story can ever compair to it... we can create a life together that is beyond my wildest dreams... when i was young and thought about my future, i always saw myself with a child, but no husband... but now.... i see a happy loving family.... my children will get to have somthing i never had... they get to have two parents who truly love each other... and are happy.... a rareity in this day and age... And i will finally have what i've always wanted.... a family.... I love him on such a level that i can hardly attempt to explain it.... It's so beyond physical attraction... It's like i'm in love with his very soul... I love everything about him....Every single thing....


A song from moulin rouge...
If i should die, this very moment
I wouldn't fear for i've never felt completeness
Like being here
Wraped in the warmth of you
Loving every breathe of you

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